In the last analysis we must be judged by what we do
and not by what we believe.
We are as we behave - with a very small margin of credit for our unmanifested vision of how we might behave
if we could take the trouble.
~Geoffrey L. Rudd, The British Vegetarian, September/October 1962
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
~Alfred Adler
and not by what we believe.
We are as we behave - with a very small margin of credit for our unmanifested vision of how we might behave
if we could take the trouble.
~Geoffrey L. Rudd, The British Vegetarian, September/October 1962
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
~Alfred Adler
Folks, I considered posting a pretty picture and telling you that I feel conflicted and melancholy today... but you must know that any attempts I've ever made to be vague (discreet?) about my thoughts and feelings have only made me feel withholding. Partial disclosure just isn't my way.
My grandma, Marion Heus (I'll tell you about the one "s" spelling some other time), is in the hospital for the second time in the past few weeks. She entered a nursing facility in early June because she has been very distraught since the death of her son in early May-- she wasn't sleeping, eating well, or taking care of herself. The first hospital stay was due to extreme fatigue and depression; now pneumonia has been diagnosed, and the doctors have found several large tumors on her esophagoes and digestive tract.
She's 94-years old, and until last month she was living by herself. My uncle's death had a profound effect on her life-- as anyone would expect. Past cardiac issues have weakened her body, and a lack of sleep and nutrients have irreparably damaged her immune system. Pneumonia is common for people her age. This all makes sense.
Here's my trouble: My hypocrisy is unveiled.
I've vowed to forge a career devoted to helping the elderly community. The ways in which older people are minimized, neglected and abused infuriate me-- I feel the type of indignation that other's feel for poverty, homelessness, violence, child abuse, war, refugees & immigrants... I feel a passion and a calling to advocate for elderly people and help them live the lives they deserve.
I've been an indifferent grand-daughter.
I can point to a lot of ways that familial duty could/should have been fostered in me.
But isn't that just blaming my parents?
I can list dozens of reasons to explain why my grandma and I haven't been involved in each other's lives.
But aren't they just excuses?
Of course, I don't want her to suffer. I have sympathy for her now, and I wish she had a better life. But how can I explain how little else I feel?
Helping other people who are old and fragile-- striving to change policy and programs to serve an entire population...
Apparently, for me, that's the easy way.
My grandma, Marion Heus (I'll tell you about the one "s" spelling some other time), is in the hospital for the second time in the past few weeks. She entered a nursing facility in early June because she has been very distraught since the death of her son in early May-- she wasn't sleeping, eating well, or taking care of herself. The first hospital stay was due to extreme fatigue and depression; now pneumonia has been diagnosed, and the doctors have found several large tumors on her esophagoes and digestive tract.
She's 94-years old, and until last month she was living by herself. My uncle's death had a profound effect on her life-- as anyone would expect. Past cardiac issues have weakened her body, and a lack of sleep and nutrients have irreparably damaged her immune system. Pneumonia is common for people her age. This all makes sense.
Here's my trouble: My hypocrisy is unveiled.
I've vowed to forge a career devoted to helping the elderly community. The ways in which older people are minimized, neglected and abused infuriate me-- I feel the type of indignation that other's feel for poverty, homelessness, violence, child abuse, war, refugees & immigrants... I feel a passion and a calling to advocate for elderly people and help them live the lives they deserve.
I've been an indifferent grand-daughter.
I can point to a lot of ways that familial duty could/should have been fostered in me.
But isn't that just blaming my parents?
I can list dozens of reasons to explain why my grandma and I haven't been involved in each other's lives.
But aren't they just excuses?
Of course, I don't want her to suffer. I have sympathy for her now, and I wish she had a better life. But how can I explain how little else I feel?
Helping other people who are old and fragile-- striving to change policy and programs to serve an entire population...
Apparently, for me, that's the easy way.
3 comments:
There's a world of difference between having concern and feeling a connection to a group (the elderly, in general) and having a fondness or affection for a particular individual (your grandmother).
If you don't feel something, don't force it because you think you _should_ feel a particular way. That's not at all hypocritical, and faking emotion would just be deceitful (to yourself and others).
I agree with Don--your relationship with your grandma is (like all relationships) complicated. Distilling it down to "I am dedicated to helping old people, therefore, I should bend over backwards to help my own grandmother" is an oversimplification of your family dynamics. Which, by definition, are complicated. You should not blame yourself for a less-than-ideal relationship with your grandma.
Also, it sounds like this happened really fast. As such, there is probably not much that you could have done. What you can do now is what you are planning on doing--go visit her and tell her you love her.
Take care, girrrrrl.
Another way to look at it: perhaps this will give you a little more empathy for other people who don't want to devote themselves to their elderly parents or grandparents. It's not always just "I don't care about this old person because they're old". I think it's generally a whole lot more complicated than that.
It's a good thing that there are people (like you) out there that aren't carrying all that baggage (for other people's relatives) and so can help those elderly persons whose own families can't or won't for whatever reason.
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