lost in time

This day has been a total roller-coaster.
We've gone through about 25 different scenarios-- between funeral service times being changed, mis-information being given, travel arrangements being planned, then scrapped, then planned again...

Without going too much into details, we've pieced together a combination of flying (cousin Stephen from Oregon to Minneapolis; cousin Alex from Virginia to Milwaukee), driving (aunt Karen and her husband from DC to WI, Steve and I from Minneapolis, Meggen and Max from Madison, maybe my mom, maybe Aja...). Karen is buying the plane ticket for Steve, but also paying for my gas, a hotel room for us AND giving me the amount of money that I'll be losing by not going to work.

Underneath all of this is the fact that we have not all been together since my grandpa's funeral in 1996. Thirteen years ago. I don't know if my grandma is really turning 93 on Thursday... she might actually be 96, I just don't know...

Heusses hold grudges. It's in their genes. Dad and Karen have been hostile since 1994 (or earlier). Nick lived alone and never spoke to anyone (though more out of apathy than hatred).
We get together when our family members die. The number of family members who actually know each other is very small, so this doesn't happen very often.
We meet in Marytown-- an unincorporated village near Fon du Lac where everyone in the collection of farmhouses is either a Heuss or married to a Heuss.
We go to the Catholic church-- which is breathtakingly beautiful, even to those of us with more secular tastes.
We go to the luncheon in the basement of the school attached to the church. The school where my dad and his siblings and all the neighbors went-- where the nuns beat them and scared the shit out of them.
We eat sliced ham on extra-soft white dinner rolls that are spread thickly with butter. We eat potatoes and fruit-salad made of canned fruit cocktail and miracle whip and miniature marshmallows.
We feel depressed-- by the landscape, the collapsed barns and rusted farm equipment.
We feel an odd sense of pride--for the family history, the rolling fields and the hard work that people did their with their mouths shut. My family built the whole area.
We feel confused-- because Heusses find ways to show each other their love, by building things and fixing things. But they also refuse to speak to each other because of 30 year-old resentment. The love is there, somewhere... but because no one ever says it, it's always a little bit in doubt.