I've changed a lot in the past year. I feel different. I do different things. I have different responsibilities. I have a lot of the same goals and desires, but I don't understand how I can ever achieve them now.
Everything is different now, again.
To say, "I need a vacation" would be over-simplified and inaccurate.
Planning a "vacation" sounds like a lot of work. I'd need to decide where to go, and make all kinds of arrangements because the rest of the world keeps going, even when you've decided to check out for a while.
Yet, I haven't been anywhere except Minneapolis, London, WI and the stretch of Interstate 94 in between since January of 2009. I think I need a change of scenery. I used to travel and see a lot.
Now, there's something else inside me that says, "You don't deserve a vacation. What have you accomplished this year? How have you earned it?" Instead of seeing it that way, this morning I started realizing just how many changes I've gone through, and how hard it has been to keep up with them, mentally and physically.
- January through May I completed 16 credits at the U, which is more than I've ever done at once before, and I continued working 4 nights a week while I did it
- May through August I worked at least 5 days a week, and tried to re-take a statistics class
- In July I ended my relationship of nearly 2 years
- In the last 2 weeks of July I packed up all my belongings and moved them into my friend's basement, and moved myself into a small bedroom in a new neighborhood with a person I found on the internet (who, luckily, turned out to be completely wonderful)
- In August I failed the statistics class again
- In August I started spending a lot of time with a person who I felt (feel) very strongly about, and I was very happy
- Between August and September I drove back and forth to Madison 4 times (roughly 4 hours each way), for various events and commitments
- In September I started classes at the U again, 14 credits this time
- In October I moved myself out of my temporary apartment and moved all of my belongings into my new apartment with 2 new roommates
- In October I found a new job and quit my old job
- In October I realized that I couldn't handle taking 5 classes and working at the same time. After a good conversation with my adviser, I decided to drop 2 classes and take a semester at a technical college starting in January to "give myself a break"
- I'm trying to find time to fill out the right forms and show the right documents so I can leave one school and start at a different school. I don't want to do any of it, because the bureaucracy of the whole endeavor is what's driving me insane.
- In the two and a half weeks between the old job and the new, I completely ran out of money. I maxed out one of my lines of credit, I missed credit card payments, student loan payments, insurance payments, I was late with my rent, I borrowed emergency money from friends, I bought as little food as possible and I felt sad and scared all the time
- Between August and now, I have been enjoying some great friendships with people who are very good at drinking, talking, dancing, and staying up late-- generally "partying." I enjoy these people and these gatherings so much, I can make myself forget about how blatantly irresponsible I'm being. It's part of living in this new neighborhood, and I completely expected it to be this way.
- Between October and now, I have skipped classes intentionally, skipped classes accidentally, been late to classes, missed in-class activities, missed guest lectures and not turned in assignments. I am hoping to finish my 3 classes with C's, but I am not optimistic
- I started working the new job, and I have been working at least 6 days a week. In the first 22 days, I worked 20 shifts. I love the job, I love the place, I love my co-workers and I love having money. I now have a pretty legitimate excuse for not doing any schoolwork.
- Last week, in late November, the relationship that began in August ended, and I'm not happy about it. I know it ended for the right reasons and I know it's one of those "better for everyone in the long-run" situations, but that doesn't stop me from being sad and lonely and disappointed
- I moved to Minneapolis in 2008 with about 100 bucks on my credit card, and a soul overflowing with passion and excitement for my past and future work.
- I live in Minneapolis now, over $15,000 in debt, feeling disconnected and isolated from the people I want to serve. Most of the time I blame this on myself, reminding myself that I'm not good at prioritizing, not a good student, not a good person...
- Everyone assures me that it's very difficult to be a University student while working to pay bills and trying to maintain friendships, but it's easy for me to shrug that off. I should be able to handle it.
- I've never before felt like I had "baggage" (although, maybe I did.) Now, I feel it. Everything is different now, again.
2 comments:
The only thing to do at times like this is to take one step at a time. Don't worry about how you're gonna get done with school, meet your professional goals, and get out of debt. Worry about the next homework assignment. Worry about the end of the semester. At some point, you'll graduate, even though it looks like an impossible dream at this point.
oh my god alisha. you are so awesome. and a real human being--what a treat.
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