Ugh. I apologize now for the rant and the confusion, but I have to get this out of me:
Based on my experience with the mistake I made last year, I tried really REALLY hard to do everything right when I signed up for my 2010 summer classes back in May. I knew I was going to have to push myself to work hard, and that being able to walk across that stage wearing that stupid black hat in May of 2011 was going to be a great reward.
I signed up for six classes (11 credits). I only had enough financial aid money left to pay for four classes. I had the choice to either pay for the remaining balance out of pocket, drop two classes, or see if I could take some kind of equivalent course at a technical college (which would be cheaper) and transfer it. I deliberated until the last possible second, and ended up dropping a weekend seminar and a speech class.
A few weeks later I got a bill from the U, telling me that I owed $257. I called to find out what that was about, and they explained that if I took 8-10 credits I would be fine, but since I dropped down to 7, they reclaimed some of the funds that I was granted. Fuck. Okay, this is what happened last year.
Then I failed my statistics class. For the second time. If you fail a class, you can not use loan money to pay for it. Period. All of a sudden I owed $517.
If you have a balance on your Summer account, you can not use Fall loan money to pay for it. Period. If you have a balance on your Summer account, you can not pay in installments, you must pay all at once. Period. If you don't have your Summer balance cleared by August 10th, your Fall classes will be canceled. Period.
Due dates came and went-- for the University bill, and several others. Somehow I have been working myself to the bone for three months without making enough money for anything except food and rent. My credit is spiraling into a pit of shame and humiliation. This morning I called the U to tell them that I don't have any money, and I don't know what do to about it, and they told me that my Fall classes would be canceled by the end of today.
Frantic phone calls, tears, resignation, bitterness, self-loathing, bank transfers, routing numbers and 4 bus-rides later... It's paid for. I feel guilty and strung out and totally drained and disgusted. My fall classes are saved. I can continue my formal education.
But I don't know if I want to! I am so fucking frustrated!
I love learning. I love my classes. I love my professors (for the most part). I love the hope I have for careers and for the future and for how many ways I will be able to help people once I have this degree.
But I do NOT understand how to be a student. The fees, requirements, deadlines and details are so oppressive and inhibiting, it's making me sick. The thought of one more surprise bill, or one more "I don't know why you didn't know..." makes me want to throw myself out a window. I don't fit into this system. I don't want to be part of this bureaucracy anymore. Why is this so hard for me? How can so many other people hop into college and hop out 4 years later? Why am I making so many expensive mistakes? Maybe when it's over I will have a degree, but I will be so far into debt, have so much bad credit, and be so fucking exhausted, I don't know if it's worth it.
3 comments:
I didn't hesistate to think that you should finish school. Since I've known you have been driven and passionate about getting to that goal. The message is keep your head up, don't let it wreck your confidence. Since moving to Chicago, I went from being very highly regarded in my area in New Jersey, to being sent home one day for having too many customer and client complaints. It took 3 weeks to wipe out a year and a half of confidence. This doesn't sound like something that is a crisis brought on by any one oversight, but an unfortunate set of circumstances coming to a head. Step back reaffirm your girls focus on the end, your clarity is apparent in your rant. Always remember you have friends, my door is open in chicago, come down we'll get some good food, or I'll be up in those environs in a few weeks, and I'll treat. Keep your head up, and remember to keep smiling...it confuses people more.
Hugs
I love you.
That is the shittiest most terrible story as of late I've heard. The university is filled with random requirements that benefit the people that don't work their ass of like you just to be there and appreciate the learning offered. I hope you got it figured out, and I'm so sorry because you work so freaking hard and you're such a wonderful person; you don't deserve that.
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