Sparing myself the details, I'll say that my New Year's Eve was bitterly disappointing. It was okay in the end, because I have some great friends who were happy to spend time together in my home; but going out to a bar, spending the stroke of midnight with people who hurt and disrespected me... that was horrible.
I spent most of the first 24 hours of 2011 feeling furious, sad, disgusted, incredulous, frustrated and enraged. The second 24 hours morphed into some kind of rabid empowerment, and I feel strong in a way that has every muscle and tendon in my body clenched into a knot (that is to say, it hurts.)
In the past few weeks I've made some real efforts to repair myself. I've seen a counselor three weeks in a row. I have two lists of plans for my semester away from school: one constructive and one therapeutic. I've been making regular bank deposits and paying my bills (more than the minimum) on time. I've been finding time to read, and make art.
I'll be damned if I'm going to let the selfish insensitivity and foolishness of former friends spoil my hard work. Drama begets drama, and I'm making sure that my drama takes the form of glorious improvements to my emotional health. My drama is going to mean using this rage and pain to run faster, dig deeper, climb higher, laugh louder and live in a way that's fair and genuine and healthy. Maybe it's cliche, but being wronged can certainly give one the upper hand.
For the moment, I can't sleep. The fury and disgust will subside, I'm sure, and fade into something that resembles indifference. I welcome that.
For now, I'm making plans.
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