shutting down (barf)

Stress. noun -
1. a specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism.

2. physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension.

I should do one or more of these:

- Go for a long walk
- Fill up my rear tire and ride my bike
- Go to the gym and get sweaty
- Go to the drop-in yoga class at my Dr.'s office
- Fill at least six pages of my journal
- Make an appointment to talk to a therapist
- Start re-reading from one of my favorite novels
- Take a hot bath
- Call my mom
- Draw some pictures
- Make some jewelry
- Listen to music
- Clean the apartment
- Take off the legs of dining room table and switch them around so we can all stop stubbing our toes
- Clean my storm windows and install them
- Buy plastic sheeting from the hardware store and starting winterizing the windows
- List some random belongings for sale on Craigslist
- Read 17 bzillion pages of schoolwork
- Finish a paper that I turned in half-done a week ago
- Finish a worksheet exercise that I turned in half-done this morning
- Start doing research for a group project
- Fill out my Leave of Absence forms for the U
- Fill out my application papers for MCTC
- Read another 3, 675, 422 pages of schoolwork

However, this is what I will probably do, because it's what I've been doing for the past two months pretty consistently:

- Stare at my laptop for a couple hours (not even watching videos or movies... just alternating between email, Facebook, Google Reader and Pandora tabs... scanning headlines, but not actually reading or absorbing anything.)
- Eat a big spoonful of peanut butter
- Feel guilty about not seeing either of my grandmothers in over a year and a half, and never calling them
- Feel sorry for myself
- Make a grocery list
- Wish that I wasn't sitting by myself, because the only times I feel good are when I'm around other people (and then later, when I'm by myself again, I think of all the ways I was probably irritating and obnoxious to them)
- Take a shower
- Go to my work meeting (one of the only things I am truly, genuinely feeling good about)
- Get drunk
- Go to bed way too late
- Wake up way too late

I am very aware of this problem. That is to say, I know what this is. I'm not utterly hopeless or self-loathing all the time. I know what's going on. I just feel like I have no control or willpower or self-discipline at all.